her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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