They should really pass out barf bags in church
Michael Bay diarrhea
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
