dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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