were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
