the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
