READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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