apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
