it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
