I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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