you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
