Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
