I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
