No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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