i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
time to smoke my breakfast
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
