look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
