Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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