I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
