You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
