hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
