Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
