I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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