That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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