What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
