If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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