I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
