Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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