You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My vagina just clenched in fear
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
True college students do jello shots in the library
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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