please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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