Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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