I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
