woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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