I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
