dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Randomize
