if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I FOUND THE LEGS
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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