Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
