I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
So many bounce houses so little time
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
