i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
