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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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