i barfeds in our rink
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Randomize
