oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
