Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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