you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
