Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
