It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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