I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
