I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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