Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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