just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
