Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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