Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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