I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
