i would punch a child for taco bell
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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