Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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