ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
