The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
