The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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