I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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