At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
